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In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

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If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Same happened to me. I downloaded a pp, then a few minutes later my daughter used my iPod to play tap zoo. She spent ￡143.00. I emailed the manufacturer and apple and within 5 days I had the money back. I never thought of suing, maybe I should have done. AVI to MP4 converter mac Maybe when the white iPhone roles out on both networks they will have both versions on the same iOS. I'm using the verizon iPhone and all I want out of 4.3 is the ability to stream my recorded hd videos to my apple tv. Hope 4.3 comes by the end of the month or early next month.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

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Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

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What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

I am not young enough to know everything.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

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We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

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Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

The truth is more important than the facts.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

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Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

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There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

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A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

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The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

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If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

The truth is more important than the facts.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

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Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

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A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

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