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Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

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Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

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The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

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The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

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To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

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The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

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I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

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Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

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You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

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There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

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Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

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The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

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The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

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I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

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If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

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In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

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The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

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Men have become the tools of their tools.

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If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

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Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

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If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

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Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

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The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

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For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

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Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

By how you create, you appear to be a specialist article writer.

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My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

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If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

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It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

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We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

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The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

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Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

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I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

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Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

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It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

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If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

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The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

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Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

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I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

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Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

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I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

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Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

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It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

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We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

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My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

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It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

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I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

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When you are shopping for gold coinage, typically the swiss 20 franc shines as a steady asset.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

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God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

After reading some of the comments on this blog, I'd have to say I'm in agreement with the majority.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

The root of your writing while sounding reasonable at first, did not really work well with me after some time. Someplace within the sentences you managed to make me a believer unfortunately only for a short while. I still have got a problem with your jumps in logic and you might do nicely to fill in all those breaks. When you can accomplish that, I would undoubtedly end up being fascinated.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

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Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

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Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

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Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

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It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

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I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

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When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

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Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

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If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

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Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

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Beyonce is actually set to get to number one in this weekend's album charts, taking Lady Gaga out of the top place. The States singer, who actually headlined at Glastonbury, is promoting her lp, 4, 3 times as fast as chart competitors as mentioned in (blank) the Official Chart Update.

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